And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
