oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
