I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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