yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he thought i was a dude.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
