I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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