in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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