Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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