if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
