Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
