If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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