The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
