He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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