Acid is not a monday night drug
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
