so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
