yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
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Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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