I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
