Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
