2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
