you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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