Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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