Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
