I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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