her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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