Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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