too bad you live with your parents still
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
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he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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