sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
