If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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