There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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