I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
