what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
