apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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