Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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