I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
