I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
