he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
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I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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