the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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