The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drake has all the answers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize