How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
