Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
