Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
