i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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