Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
