He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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