The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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