My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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