dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
