Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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