Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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