I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
