I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm too high and old for this...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
