I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
