Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
