Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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