i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i think my cat just said my name.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
